11 Types of Romantic Intimacy to Up-level your Relationship!
Intimacy, my favourite subject! The deep connection and closeness that we share with our partners goes far beyond physical affection. In this article, we will explore eleven types of intimacy in romantic partnerships and provide valuable insights on how to build and nurture them in your relationship.
1. Emotional Intimacy:
Emotional intimacy forms the foundation of a strong relationship. It involves opening up to your partner, expressing your thoughts, fears, dreams, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment.
To foster emotional intimacy, try this: To share, both you and your partner have to be conscious of your own thought and feeling processes and feel permission to express yourself.
If you are blocked journaling to reveal feelings :
When this happened___ I felt____ Because the story I’m telling myself is___ I want___ I’m willing to ___ in exchange for my needs being considered.
Recognise that some partners have undergone significant suppression and ridicule for articulating feeling (especially men) consider reading “The Will to Change - Men, Masculinity and Love” by Bell Hooks if you happen to love any man, in particular those who have a hard time opening up.
Create a safe space for open communication, actively listen to your partner, and validate their emotions. Practice empathy and be willing to reciprocate and share your own feelings, promoting a deep sense of trust and understanding.
To understand your partner better I strongly recommend downloading "The Gottman Cards" it's a couples question game app created by the highly reputable Relationship Counselling organisation the Gottman Institute, and, it's free!
2. Intellectual Intimacy:
Intellectual intimacy revolves around engaging in stimulating conversations, sharing ideas, and exploring the world of knowledge together. It requires an environment that encourages curiosity, respect for each other's opinions, and a willingness to learn from one another.
To cultivate intellectual intimacy, make time for deep discussions, remember the subjects you have a deep excitement about and pursue discovery in these areas through writing, film, podcasts etc. Share your passion with your partner, while they may not share your enthusiasm with every interest, look for those spaces where your interests intersect and devote energy there. If you have few common interests, still be attentive to your partners passions this is very rewarding for your partner, encourage them to share what fascinates them, tell them how much you appreciate how this topic lights them up. Engage in activities that challenge your minds, and show genuine interest in each other's intellectual pursuits.
3, Spiritual Intimacy:
Spiritual intimacy transcends religious beliefs and involves sharing and exploring your values, beliefs, and existential questions. It revolves around a sense of shared purpose and a connection to something greater than yourselves.
To nurture spiritual intimacy, consider doing my Define your Purpose Questionnaire together, find the intersections and note how the entity of the relationship fuels one another’s purpose. Review each other's answers to understand what satiates their need for purpose. Plan and engage in activities that align with your shared values, practice gratitude together, meditate, engage in mindfulness exercise, eye gazing or tantra, and encourage each other's personal growth and spiritual exploration.
4. Sexual Intimacy:
Sexual intimacy encompasses physical affection, desire, and a deep sense of connection in the realm of intimacy. It involves exploring each other's desires, boundaries, and needs, and fostering an environment of trust and consent.
To enhance sexual intimacy, prioritize open and honest communication about your desires, both boilerplate and elaborate and fantasies, Make time to communicate, hear and be heard.
Be curious and discover aspects of your sexual self which you’ve possibly neglected, stoke your imagination with whatever does it for you, like erotic literature to answer these questions more completely.
Build the courage to respectfully disclose what you want, be attentive to your partner's needs, and cultivate an atmosphere of emotional safety and mutual pleasure. At times disclosing our deepest fantasies in a relationship can be daunting, because we fear alienating our partners, sex therapy can help.
Contrary to opinion, asking consent can be sexy! Getting verbal confirmation by voicing what you want to do with them builds anticipation and avoids surprises. plus, it's easier to have a conversation about a no before its "out there" and you feel rejected or they feel affronted. a simple, "would you like me to join you?" when they're getting in the shower is a good example of asking consent in a natural way.
Discussion points to engage with your partner:
What does sex mean to you?
If sex is a quest, what is the holy grail for you?
What gives you pleasure?
What, if anything, is out of bounds for you?
How do you want to feel during intimacy? (there may be various for various occasions)
What makes you feel _____(emotions from previous answers) during intimacy? Eg. neck kisses, eye gazing, putting a lock on the door, etc.
Where do you hold back and why? Anything I can do to help?
What do you want to express through sex?
What makes sex good?
What makes it bad?
* Questions adapted from 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel, which I highly recommend reading!
Psst... "The Gottman Cards" I referenced earlier have sections devoted to sex, too. Download it!
5. Recreational Intimacy:
Recreational intimacy is built through shared experiences, hobbies, and activities that bring joy and fun to your relationship. It involves finding common interests and creating opportunities to bond and create memories together.
To develop recreational intimacy, explore new activities as a couple, take up a hobby together, or plan regular date nights that revolve around shared interests. Be open to trying new things and focus on enjoying each other's company.
6. Physical Intimacy:
Physical intimacy extends beyond sexual intimacy and refers to non-sexual touch, affection, and closeness. It includes holding hands, hugging, cuddling, and gentle touches that foster a sense of connection and comfort. I recommend (and you may like) to play, wrestle, tickle, work out, swim or dance together, or any other new or unusual ways to touch and see how you like it.
To enhance physical intimacy, prioritize non-sexual touch in your daily interactions, engage in activities that promote physical closeness, and express love and appreciation through gestures of affection.
Discussion points to engage with your partner:
What kinds of touch gives you positive feeling of physical intimacy?
What touch are you craving?
7. Creative Intimacy:
Creative intimacy involves engaging in joint creative pursuits or supporting each other's creative endeavors. This could include painting, throwing an event, writing, cooking, renovating a home, raising kids, or any other form of self-expression.
To foster this: Collaborate on projects, provide constructive feedback, encourage each other, be/utelise them as a sounding board and celebrate each other's creativity.
8. Work/Purpose Intimacy:
Similar to creative intimacy, work/purpose intimacy involves supporting each other's purpose, professional lives and goals. This is a complex one because at times it’s common that one may need to sacrifice time they would like to devote to other forms of intimacy so that your partner can advance their counterpart’s career. Don’t overlook how rewarding and supportive this can be. Ultimately we have competing demands and limited resources, try to discover what is vital to your partner and prioritise. Anticipating your partners needs ought to be it's own love language , I believe.
To cultivate: Share and show interest in each other's work and passion projects, provide encouragement during challenging times, and celebrate achievements. Offer help and be a reliable source of support when work-related stress arises. Learn what regulates your partner's nervous system and offer that during stressful periods and bouts of self doubt. In this way adversity has the unexpected benefit of strengthening your bond.
9. Crisis Intimacy:
Crisis intimacy involves navigating difficult times together. During challenging situations, be present for one another, offer emotional support, and work as a team to find solutions.
To build: Show empathy and provide reassurance during times of crisis, fostering a sense of security and trust. If you are finding yourself too dysregulated to open to your partner consider going to therapy or Kinesiology to work through tangled feelings and share your revelations with your partner. Encourage your partner to recruit support outside of the relationship too. Most men have nobody outside of their relationship to share complex feelings with which compounds issues.
10. Commitment Intimacy:
Commitment intimacy involves cultivating trust, loyalty, and dedication to the relationship. When executed well commitment can transform a connection to the closest, most vital connection either of you can have. Regularly reassess and discuss shared goals and values. Demonstrate reliability, honor commitments, and prioritize each other's needs to build a strong foundation of trust.
11. Conflict Intimacy:
Conflict intimacy involves handling disagreements constructively and respectfully. It creates a dynamic in which one can feel open to be themselves and unconditionally loved, knowing that conflict can be transcended as a team.
To build: 1. Develop effective communication skills, actively listen. Find compromise and work towards resolutions that honor both partners' needs.
2. Strive to understand each other's perspectives. Try this question amidst a disagreement: How can we both reflect on the other's point of view and appreciate one positive about it?
3, Be willing to admit fault, apologise and have discussion. Often we worry a shortcoming will equal a character flaw and possible rejection, so we avoid it. Work on your shame, forgive yourself. Remember that making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad partner and accountability actually builds other's respect for you, then be willing to take responsibility for your part.
Devise a statement that reminds you that you’re still lovable in spite of a mistake if you are struggling to take accountability:
Eg “Just because I lost my temper doesn’t make me a bad partner.”
Then face up and say sorry and that you want to prevent it happening again together.
4. Learn to recognise the subtle signs that both you and your partner exhibit when going from neutral, to agitated, to completely emotionally flooded and unable to resolve conflict.
Both answer these questions.
a. What’s the first sign I exhibit when getting agitated, before a potential flood? Eg, I freeze or my language becomes sarcastic.
b, What do you need to do to emotionally regulate, prevent getting flooded and be able come back to the conflict later? 5. Practice saying "I'm staving of an emotional flood right now!" in the moment so your partner knows to pause, get curious, help you regulate or pivot into something else.
6. Another journaling process (very similar to the accessing your emotions one) which is good for relational conflict is:
When you said/did___ I felt___(emotion) Because the story I’m telling myself is___ I want___ I’m willing to ___ in exchange for my needs/wants being considered.
Ps. this is often best done in the moment (if you’re regulated) rather than brought up as evidence of a character flaw three months from now…
Stand back and allow them to answer to your assumptions, needs and feelings, being open to conceding you may have assumed a negative motive on their part where none was intended.
Allow them to share, then begin to workshop solutions together.
7. Consider aftercare, such as showing love through touch, words and service to reconnect after a spat.
Note: Repair is probably the most vital skill we can develop as it has the ability to repair trust that allows all the other types of intimacy to form.
Conclusion:
Building and nurturing these eleven types of intimacy in your relationship requires time, effort, and a commitment to understanding and connecting with your partner on multiple levels. Remember that intimacy is a journey, and it evolves over time. By creating a safe and open space for emotional expression, engaging in stimulating conversations, exploring shared values, pursuing common goals, aiding the other's development and dreams, fostering physical affection and prioritizing shared experiences, you can cultivate a deep and fulfilling connection with your partner. Embrace the beauty of intimacy and embark on a journey of growth, trust, and incredible love (which is my earnest wish for each and every one of you!)
All the best of health, love and happiness!
E xx
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