The Four Pillars of a Happy, Meaningful Life.
We all want to be happier! I’m an avid student of this myself and recently was intrigued by a ted talk By Emily Esfahani Smith, who suggests that rather than striving for happiness and success a key pivot is to cultivate MEANING in life.
Smith proposes four pillars of meaning that can contribute to a sense of happiness and fulfillment. These pillars are:
Belonging: Foster deep connections and relationships with others.
Purpose: Engage in activities that give your life a sense of meaning and direction.
Transcendence: Seek experiences that go beyond yourself and connect to something larger. (Emily’s definition af transcendence and mine are slightly different, I would also describe transcendence as being in a flow state as well as an experience of being connected to something greater.)
Storytelling: Craft a narrative about your life that gives it coherence and significance.
Here's how you can apply these pillars to enhance your happiness:
Cultivate belonging:
Prioritize quality relationships: Invest time and effort into building and nurturing meaningful connections with family, friends, and communities.
Engage in acts of kindness: Show empathy and support to others, as it strengthens bonds and creates a sense of belonging.
Join groups or organizations: Participate in activities or groups that align with your interests and values, providing opportunities to meet like-minded individuals.
Pursue purpose:
Reflect on your values and passions: Identify the things that matter most to you and align your actions and goals accordingly. You can get a copy of my Defining your Purpose Questionnaire here.
Set meaningful goals which contribute to a life of purpose that is meaningful to you. Break them down into actionable steps and work towards them consistently.
Embrace transcendence:
Keep what Bill Burnett calls a “Good time journal” for three weeks write down task you performed and rank how engaged you felt with the activity, how energised or depleted you felt after the activity, then reflect, try to get even more specific, what aspects drained or energised you? Was it working with someone critical, being effective at solving a problem etc? Review your answers and mine for any surprises, try to engineer a life that increases the flow state activities
Reflect on when in your life you have felt transcendence, and why. Does time stand still when you surf, draw, meditate, argue in court, chop onions at high speed or ride your motorcycle? List them and shift time toward these activities (this also helps with purpose so it’s a two for one.)
Explore new experiences! You haven’t found everything that you love, yet, and you probably have about three lives worth of living you could do and enjoy in limited time. Try stuff.
Explore nature: Spend time outdoors and connect with the natural world. This can inspire awe, wonder, and a sense of something greater than yourself.
Engage in acts of service or connect to organisations: Volunteer for causes you care about or help others in need. This can provide a sense of purpose and connection to a larger community.
Practice mindfulness, meditation, or whatever spiritual or religious practices you might resonate with.
Craft your story:
Reflect on your life experiences: Take time to contemplate the events, challenges, and successes that have shaped you. Identify the lessons learned and the strengths you've developed.
Find meaning in your experiences: Look for the positive aspects, growth opportunities, and ways in which your experiences have contributed to your personal development. Be romantic, sentimental and access the best version of you, Inject some uplifting morals, a romantic notion or idea that comes straight from your heart and changes the ending to something beautiful, hopeful or uplifting.
Take actions which influence the narrative and galvinise the story.
Don’t worry if you don’t consider yourself a good writer or storyteller. Get out of the critical mind at first and draft a few ideas, settle on what works for you and refine later. You don’t have to convince anyone but you to reflect on the bright side of your life.
Share your story: Express yourself creatively through writing, art, music, poetry or conversation. By sharing your narrative with others, you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself and potentially inspire others.
I’ve shared my process below on how to develop a narrative from your experiences. Read the examples below to get a firmer idea of what narrative crafting might sound like to you. Draw up a four column table in four categories,
Experience
Benefit
Lesson/moral of story
Actions which demonstrate this new story and write a good ending.
Input stories from your life that feel relevant or where you desire closure.
Experience: I found my husband in bed with someone else
Benefit: sought therapy and I uncovered the unhealed aspects of myself who were attracted to avoidant partners and relished in being the innocent victim.
I took radical responsibility, finding the actions in me which pushed him away, judged him, acted the martyr, and treated him in ways that made him want to seek companionship, in secret.
I accepted the parts of me I judged when I saw them in him.
Lesson or moral of the story: I can do difficult things and learn from each experience, through heartbreak and discomfort I can find my strength and become a better partner, and reclaim my feelings of worthiness for love.
When you are judging your significant other you have work to do on your own self love. If you get curious and seek help early your relationships will be better. Be less complacent.
Potential actions which demonstrate this new story and write a good ending: Before getting into a new relationship I did some difficult things solo, like hike the Inca trail to demonstrate I am strong and capable and learn from everything sent to break me.
I will approach people who I have wronged with a sincere apology and love and forgive myself, so that I can grow in empathy and forgiveness of his actions and stop carrying it.
I will do therapy and read lots of books, join a support group and share my story with others. I wrote a poem about heartbreak and my time on the Inca, rising from it stronger and more humble and spoke it at an international women's day lunch.
Another example: Experience: I’m going through Chemo and my hair might fall out Benefit: My anxiety about losing my hair is connected to worrying about attractiveness and ultimately if I am loved. Through the process of losing control and detachment I am forced to only hold onto what matters. Remembering I am loved, especially by my family, no matter what. Moral of the story: At the end of the day all that matters is my family, love and belonging. Potential actions which define this new story and write a good ending: If/when I choose to purchase a chemo wig I am going to get it dead straight and two shades blonder, like my mum had during her maternity with me. This will remind me that when I feel I am lacking strength, I can remind myself that she loves me, has carried me and been my mother, and I can put on some of her strength, and celebrate the gifts of my family legacy, not just the cancer genes. In doing this the message I will tell her is that I love and admire her and hope to be as beautiful and strong as I have always perceived her to be. When I look at the wig I will remember her unwavering love, no matter how I look. This whole experience brings us closer in love and appreciation of each other and gives me strength and self acceptance.
Remember that happiness is a subjective and multifaceted concept, and what works for one person may not work for another. Experiment with these pillars and adjust them to fit your unique values, interests, and circumstances.
Wishing you, most sincerely, the happiest, most meaningful life you could possibly imagine!
E xx
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